Film Review: 1408 November 13, 2007
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Synopsis: Mike Enslin (John Cusack) is a disillusioned writer who specializes in reviewing supposedly haunted bed-and-breakfasts. He spends his nights in hotel rooms where vicious murders occurred and feels more certain than ever that there is no afterlife, no haunts, no spectres or spooks. Then, one day while reviewing potential haunted rooms he receives a postcard for the Dolphin Hotel in New York City, reading, “Don’t go into room 1408!”
Naturally, Enslin decides to enter the haunted room against the wishes of the hotel manager (Samuel L. Jackson) … “I have had enough of the m*****-f***ing evil rooms in my m*****-f****** hotel!” (bet you didn’t see that one coming). Evil happenings ensue.
Film Review: Deadly Friend November 7, 2007
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Oh, you have no idea how deadly.
Synopsis: When a lonely supernerd and his sentient robot named ‘BB’ move into the neighborhood, he befriends another local loser and Samantha (Kristy Swanson) a cute, busty teenager with an abusive alcoholic father. When Samantha and BB are killed, the boy genius brings both of them back to life using movie science. Directed by Wes Craven.
Film Review: Nightwatch August 24, 2006
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Film Review: NIGHT WATCH
Synopsis: Based on Sergei Lukyanenko’s best-selling Russian novel, the basic premise of ‘Night Watch’ is that there are Others. These ‘Others’ are human, but have special abilities and powers that are realized only when they suddenly use their abilities to save themselves, or are exposed to other Others. The main character ‘Anton’ is a member of the ‘Night Watch’ a group of supernatural officers who exist to enforce the truce between Light and Dark.
Film Review: Equilibrium March 6, 2006
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Who knew that tai-chi didn’t suck?
Synopsis: Starring a pre-Batman Begins Christian Bale, Taye Diggs and Sean Bean, Equilibrium combines elements of The Matrix, 1984 and Farenheit 451. Set in a not-so-distant future where humanity only just barely survived a third World War, a fascist government has arisen. This regime control what it believes is the cause of war: human emotion. All citizens are required to take an emotion-dulling drug called ‘Prozium’ twice a day. Those who engage in emotion are ’sense offenders’ and are carted off for summary combustion. Emotion-inducing artifacts of the pre-WWIII world (literature, perfume, artwork, etc.) are hunted down and similarly incinerated.
Behind it all is ‘Father’ a sort of evil Doctor Phil (is that an oxymoron?) whose image is broadcast to the robotic masses.
Film Review: There’s Nothing Out There February 6, 2006
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Synopsis: Geez, what a great little flick. First off, this movie is so circa 1982 that you’ll remember pushing your white socks down your ankles in mute horror.
This is a straightforward monster flick; there are teens, they are promiscuous, they are in a cabin in the woods, and there is skinny-dipping. This is, as any horror movie fan knows, a recipe for disaster. If you find yourself in this sort of situation, get out of it, quick.
Wait, I was saying that the movie had a twist? Right. The twist is a character named Mike, who apparently realizes he’s in a horror film. If you’ve ever watched a horror film and hypothesized about how you would react, Mike reacts that way.
Film Review: Hostel January 9, 2006
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Synopsis: Eli Roth has made what I consider to be one of best new horror films in a decade. In Hostel Roth delivers the sadism and violence you’ve come to expect from him, but I cannot stress enough the fact that Hostel is scary not so much because of the visuals (the commercials and previews claim people were hospitalized after viewing it at pre-screenings), but because it all feels very plausible, very possible.
Film Review: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter November 29, 2005
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The Power of Christ Impales You!
Synopsis: If my priest knew that I saw this film, I would probably be refused Communion.
Here’s the plot, stay with me. I’ll do what I can to capitalize the relevant pronouns.
Vampires have started controlling the world (really, just Canada) and now they can walk in the sunlight. Only Jesus can stop the evil from spreading. Although, actually, mostly lesbians are being targeted to become new vampires. A cadre of priests (ok, just two — and one has a mohawk) contact Jesus at the beach, when they are attacked by lesbian vampires. Jesus takes a shot to the crotch, recovers, and then kung-fu kicks them into submission. Christ realizes the danger now, and sets out to put things right. He shaves off his beard, gets a more up-to-date haircut and has an earring put in.
Film Review: The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi November 16, 2005
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Synopsis: I know the chances of anyone else watching this flick are minute, but I thought I’d review it anyway. The story focuses on the titular hero, who totters along from town to town. Though blind, Zatoichi possessed near-superhuman swordsmanship skills. His cane is really a sheathe for a sword. His other senses are so acute that he can supports himself by gambling. Dice are tossed into a cup and laid down, unseen. But our hero can ‘hear’ how the dice have landed, and unerringly calls the dice as ‘Even’ or ‘Odd’ correctly.
Film Review: Blue Sunshine October 21, 2005
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Just Say … No!!!
Synopsis: A bunch of yuppies who were friends in college are at a party one night, when one of the men at the party complains of a migraine. A few moments later, a woman grabs his hair and it all slides off.
That’s right, most of his hair slides right off his head, leaving just a few straggling hairs at the temples. He runs from the room holding his head, and everyone wonders if it was some kind of weird joke. A few minutes later the man returns, his eyes bugged out, and goes on a homocidal, superhuman rampage — pushing three women into a raging fireplace to burn to death. He then chases his friend into the forest, and his friend manages to escape. The bald maniac dies in a car crash, and his friend is blamed for the murders.
Our hero then rushes about, trying to evade the police and ‘get to the bottom’ of his friend’s weird breakdown. Other yuppies go crazy as well, and we finally discover what they all had in common. They all attended the same college at the same time, and they all used an LSD called ‘Blue Sunshine’. As it turns out ‘Blue Sunshine’ lays dormant in your system for about ten years, and then you suffer migraines, go slowly crazy, and then the alopecia sets in (yes, I looked it up). Then you kill everyone in sight, and kill yourself (homocidal maniacs are clumsy, it seems).
